Journalist

I am a millennial. Destruction is all I know. I no longer care what I wipe from the face of the Earth.

Awkward is a state of being.

All the weird inconveniences of adult life that you thought they made up to lend excitement and color to episodes of 'Sex and the City' are, in fact, real.

Obama isn't funny.

Once, as my New Year's Resolution, I telephoned the Extenze Male Enhancement hotline every day for a month.

Harvard prides itself on its diversity - economic, racial, social, geographical - but it remains intellectually segregated. It's not what conservative commentators seem to imagine - a bastion of liberal professors force-feeding radical opinions to a naive student body.

Standup comedy was my weird hobby. I would drag my poor parents out to the only open mics that were in coffee shops instead of bars. I'd get up and go, 'Hi, I'm 17, and I have jokes about matriculation!' At the time I was like, 'Why is no one laughing?'

You do not get gold stars for cleaning your toilet. In actual life, there is a depressing lack of stickers.

When police are shutting down cameras, it is a sign that they know the truth is not going to be kind to them.

I think, when you're doing a column and blogging every day, you get familiar with the sound of your own voice.

You can be brilliant in some ways and despicable in others. You can be a clean, upright, moral individual in your private life who never swears, treats women with respect, and speaks highly of duty and honor - and go out every day and dedicate yourself to a cause that makes the world worse.

It's easier to find the joke in something when you think, 'This - this is ridiculous.'

One of the things I try to do - and I always regret when I'm not doing it - is I try to read as much as possible as I'm consuming news.

History contains heroes, but no one is a hero entirely, and no one is a hero for very long.

George W. Bush has dutifully, if not intentionally, provided Americans with laughs for nearly a decade. He has also made them cry, sometimes for the same reason.

Books are wonderful. They are like people, except they mind less when you put them down and wander off to eat something.

Bad things happen, and you can only be so prepared.

Good laughs melt out of memory pretty quickly.

I know from personal experience that it is extremely difficult to read while you work out, especially on a Stairmaster.

I majored in extracurriculars, honestly. I joined the Harvard Stand Up Comedy Society, which is a ragtag band of misfits. I wrote for 'On Harvard Time,' which was a student TV show trying to be 'The Daily Show.' And I wrote a humor column for 'The Crimson' starting my sophomore year.