Comedian

I'm not friends with any of my exes, and I've never understood the appeal.

I try not to apologize, especially publicly. That's a slippery slope, because I'm a comedian. If you take anything I'm saying too seriously, then you shouldn't be paying attention in the first place. If you find me offensive, don't follow me.

I'm a late-night host that doesn't want to be tied down by time or television or even hosting.

I have a huge impact with young girls. Young women. That's my demographic.

Every time I enter a country and have to write down my occupation at customs, I'm like, 'I don't know... Author? Host? Writer? Stand-up?' I usually write 'author' - that's the safest bet.

We women have to stick together.

Jennifer Aniston is one of the most down-to-earth, low-key people I know.

I remember having a conversation with my sister, saying, 'What if I don't make it? What if I'm still waiting tables when I'm 35?' I was just at the end of my rope. But I've been at the end of that rope several times.

I think you do need two terms as a president.

It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.

Everything isn't permanent, so don't pretend that it is. Everything's supposed to move and shift.

If you're really looking to hurt somebody's feelings, just break up with them.

Stand-up was my entree into the entertainment world. I didn't have to act out somebody else's words. I could just stand there with a microphone, and nobody would interrupt me. It's the most narcissistic thing you could probably do.

I don't think I'm a good host. I'm not a good host. I'm terrible at hosting. That's my problem.

Have you ever been sued by a midget? It's not fun.

The next step for me is not 'The Tonight Show.' That's a job for Jimmy Fallon. I'm way too divisive for a show like that.

You can't have friendships that aren't based on realness.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

The challenge is to keep it fresh. If you're talking about Britney Spears over and over, it's very hard to keep that interesting.

I've always had a problem with authority. That's why I had to be my own boss.