Comedian

If you were the only person left on the planet, I would have to attack you. That's my job.

People tell me there are a lot of guys like me, which doesn't explain why I'm lonely.

I used to go to two movies every week for the Saturday matinee when I was a kid.

A conservative is someone who believes in reform. But not now.

Women have everything they want, and they've never been so unhappy.

Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.

Too often, these comedy guys now only care about getting on and then getting off and getting rich.

My humor was Victorian - and still is.

When people write comedy from neutrality, it just gets kind of silly.