Comedian

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

My father used to call me the laughing hyena.

My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.