Comedian

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good.

Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'

To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'

I found out I had a real love for comedy and comedy writing. The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing.

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

I have to visualise my jokes, live my jokes, feel the audience because every audience is different. It's like having a different dancing partner every night.

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.