Comedy quotes

By | 04.06.2022

Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor. Truman Capote

I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later. Mitch Hedberg. Comedy quotes

Life is a dream for the wise, a game for the fool, a comedy for the rich, a tragedy for the poor. Sholom Aleichem

A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists. Don Marquis

Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You. Dr. Seuss, Happy Birthday to You!

If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito. Betty Reese

Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the war room. President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers), Dr. Strangelove

Comedy can be a cathartic way to deal with personal trauma. Robin Williams

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. Abraham Lincoln

«You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named «Bush», «Dick», and «Colin.» Need I say more?» Chris Rock

Taking naps sounds so childish. I prefer to call them horizontal life pauses.

My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana. Rose (Betty White), The Golden Girls

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt. Erma Bombeck

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? Abraham Lincoln

Lord, what fools these mortals be! William Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night’s Dream

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time. Abraham Lincoln

Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve. David Letterman

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. Mel Brooks

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think. Horace Walpole

I’m not good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? Chandler (Matthew Perry), Friends

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes. Jack Handey

Comedy is surprises, so if you’re intending to make somebody laugh and they don’t laugh, that’s funny. Norm MacDonald

An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do. Dylan Thomas

You are a manipulator. I like to think of myself more as an outcome engineer. J.R. Ward, Lover Eternal

My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne. Tina Fey

Bob: «Looks like you’ve been missing a lot of work lately.»
Peter: «I wouldn’t say I’ve been missing it, Bob.» Bob (Paul Wilson) and Peter (Ron Livingston), Office Space

Comedy has to be based on truth. You take the truth and you put a little curlicue at the end. Sid Caesar

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. Alan Dundes

Life is a comedy to those who think, a tragedy to those who feel. Jean Racine

It’s okay to look at the past and the future. Just don’t stare. Lisa Lieberman-Wang

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society. Mark Twain. Comedy quotes

Comedy is an escape, not from truth but from despair; a narrow escape into faith. Christopher Fry

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. Albert Einstein

Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me. Michael Scott, The Office

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are. Will Ferrell

I don’t mind going from sadness to comedy in a split-second or mixing the two up. Taika Waititi

War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography. Ambrose Pierce

A tragedy is a tragedy, and at the bottom, all tragedies are stupid. Give me a choice and I’ll take A Midsummer Night’s Dream over Hamlet every time. Any fool with steady hands and a working set of lungs can build up a house of cards and then blow it down, but it takes a genius to make people laugh. Stephen King

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt. Charles M. Schulz

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Rita Rudner

If you want to laugh, see a comedy. If you want to cry, see a drama, and if you want suspense, see a thriller. Charlie Murphy

If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else. Ann Landers

Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent. Steve Martin, Born Standing Up: A Comic’s Life

Funny quotes: Ned, I would love to stand here and talk with you—but I’m not going to. Phil Connors (Bill Murray), Groundhog Day

This world is a comedy to those that think, a tragedy to those that feel. Horace Walpole

I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical. Arthur C. Clarke

A drug is not bad. A drug is a chemical compound. The problem comes in when people who take drugs treat them like a license to behave like an asshole. Frank Zappa, The Real Frank Zappa Book

When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway. Erma Bombeck

Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot. Charlie Chaplin

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it. Bob Hope

«THAT’S IT!» Terminus cried. «That’s AGAINST THE RULES!»
Polybotes frowned, obviously confused that he was being told off by a statue. «What are you?» he growled. «Shut up!»
He pushed the statue over and turned back to Percy.
«Now I’m MAD!» Terminus shrieked. «I’m strangling you. Feel that? Those are my hands around your neck, you big bully. Get over here! I’m going to head-butt you so hard» Rick Riordan, The Son of Neptune

If love is the answer, can you please rephrase the question? Lily Tomlin

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. Phyllis Diller

Socialism is a fraud, a comedy, a phantom, a blackmail. Benito Mussolini

My favorit machine at the gym is the vending machine. Caroline Rhea

Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby—awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess. Lemony Snicket

Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path. Ellen DeGeneres

Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else’s expense. And I find that that’s just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an example that you can be funny and be kind, and make people laugh without hurting somebody else’s feelings. Ellen DeGeneres

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. Charles Lamb

Life is a drama full of tragedy and comedy. You should learn to enjoy the comic episodes a little more. Jeannette Walls, The Glass Castle

Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell. Joan Crawford

Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’

If you want to make an audience laugh, you dress a man up like an old lady and push her down the stairs. If you want to make comedy writers laugh, you push an actual old lady down the stairs. Tina Fey

Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. Charles Shulz

Life doesn’t make any sense, and we all pretend it does. Comedy’s job is to point out that it doesn’t make sense, and that it doesn’t make much difference anyway. Eric Idle

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. Mignon McLaughlin

Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over. Jerry (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious. Peter Ustinov

A day without laughter is a day wasted. Charlie Chaplin

Yeah, I love being famous. It’s almost like being white, y’know? Chris Rock

I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger.

I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. Michael Scott (Steve Carrell), The Office

I have always felt comedy and tragedy are roommates. If you look up comedy and tragedy, you will find a very old picture of two masks. One mask is tragedy. It looks like it’s crying. The other mask is comedy. It looks like it’s laughing. Nowadays, we would say, ‘How tasteless and insensitive. A comedy mask is laughing at a tragedy mask.’ Gilbert Gottfried

Political correctness is tyranny with manners. Charleton Heston

You are enough to drive a saint to madness or a king to his knees. Grace Willows, To Kiss a King

We don’t grow old. When we cease to grow, we become old. Ralph Waldo Emerson

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her. Rodney Dangerfield

I always stayed away from political commentary. First of all, I didn’t feel entitled. What I may feel about a candidate, I’m a comedian. I mean, if people like my comedy, that doesn’t mean they should vote for the person I like. That’s why I always kind of stayed away from endorsements. Bob Newhart

I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. Graham Chapman, Monty Python and the Holy Grail (Book): Mønti Pythøn Ik Den Hølie Gräilen

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. Mark Twain

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. Les Dawson

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun. Jerry Seinfeld

Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. Dale Carnegie

The place is also big enough. We could all live there without killing each other. -Rhage
That depends more on your mouth than any floorplan. Phury. J.R. Ward, Dark Lover

You’re not as young as you used to be. But you’re not as old as you’re going to be. Irish Saying

There’s nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can’t prolong. Surgeon (Graham Chapman), Monty Python’s Flying Circus

With our hectic lives, a dose of comedy is a must. Anita Hassanandani Reddy. Comedy quotes

Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know. Daniel J. Boorstin

He shook his head. “The next time I hear a women going on about how neurotic men are, I’m going to remember this. You tell me you like my body, and what do I say? I say, thank you. Then I tell you I like yours and what do I hear? A long lists of grievances. Susan Elizabeth Phillips, Kiss an Angel

You’re in mint condition for a vintage model. Happy Birthday. Catherine Pulsifer

The most difficult character in comedy is that of the fool, and he must be no simpleton that plays that part. Miguel de Cervantes

Everyone with telekinetic powers, raise my hand. Emo Philips

As soon as you have made a thought, laugh at it. Lao Tzu

You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. Bob Hope

Ted Striker: «Surely you can’t be serious.»
Dr. Rumack: «I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley». Ted Striker (Robert Hays) and Dr. Rumack (Leslie Nielsen), Airplane!

We participate in a tragedy; at a comedy we only look. Aldous Huxley

All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening. Alexander Woollcott

Each of us is full of shit in our own special way. We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe. Lewis Black, Me of Little Faith

There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it. Mindy Kaling, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?

Stand-up comedy is not a man’s job. It’s an alpha job: To be the only person in a room with a microphone who’s allowed to talk. Katherine Ryan

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. Erma Bombeck

The life of every individual, viewed as a whole and in general, and when only its most significant features are emphasized, is really a tragedy; but gone through in detail it has the character of a comedy. Arthur Schopenhauer, The World as Will and Representation, Vol. 1

After 30, a body has a mind of its own. Bette Midler

You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police. Joan Rivers

Comedy is tragedy – plus time. Carol Burnett

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy. Francois de La Rochefoucauld

You are mad!” she snapped, her chest heaving. «And you are a devil!»
«And you, my dear,» Royce imperturbably replied, «are a bitch.» With that, he turned to the horrified friar and unhesitatingly announced, «The lady and I wish to be wed.» Judith McNaught, A Kingdom of Dreams

I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. Bill Gates

Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts. Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen), Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear

Stand-up comedy and comedy in general is the ultimate form of free speech, because you get to poke holes in all the pretentious bubbles politicians and pundits and popes and pretenders try to float over our heads. Denis Leary

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. Bill Waterson

Ash nodded. «Look for Oberon or Mab,» he said grimly, scanning the battlefield. «They’ll likely be on opposite sides of the river. Try not to engage anything, Goodfellow. We don’t want a fight — we just want to get the scepter to the queen.»
«Don’t kid yourself, Prince.» Puck grinned and drew his daggers, pointing to Ash with the tip. «You’re a traitor, Meghan’s the Summer princess, and I’m Robin Goodfellow. I’m sure the ranks of Unseelie will just let us waltz right through.» Julie Kagawa, The Iron Daughter

Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished. Leslie Nielsen

My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush. Bobby Boucher (Adam Sandler), The Waterboy

If I can make a teacher’s salary doing comedy, I think that’s better than being a teacher. Dave Chappelle

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop. Gertrude Stein

Jack couldn’t help but watch Nonie as she left. She looked to be twenty-nine, thirty at the most, stood maybe five foot-four and was slender. She had shoulder-length, curly, walnut-colored hair and the largest most beautiful blue eyes he’d ever seem Her nose and ears were small in comparison to her full lips, which he’d give anything to kiss. Deborah Leblanc, Toe to Toe

It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back. Jimmy Kimmel

You can’t study comedy; it’s within you. It’s a personality. My humor is an attitude. Don Rickles

All men are equal before fish. Herbert Hoover

Don’t do it! Stay away from your potential. You’ll mess it up, it’s potential, leave it. Anyway, it’s like your bank balance – you always have a lot less than you think. Dylan Moran

Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done. Peter Drucke

Marriage is like an unfunny, tense version of Everybody Loves Raymond, but it doesn’t last 22 minutes. It lasts forever. Pete (Paul Rudd), Knocked Up

Quotes about comedy: Dying is easy; comedy is hard. Donald Wolfit

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. Isaac Asimov

You think I’d cheat on you?” I demanded with all the innocent outrage I could muster.

With another guy, no. With a cheeseburger . . . in a heartbeat. Lisa Kleypas, Smooth Talking Stranger

It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you. Dwight D. Eisenhower

Being a mom means never buying the right amount of produce. Either everyone suddenly loves grapes and a week’s worth are eaten in one afternoon, or fruit flies are congregating around my rotting bananas. Lessons from the Minivan

The duty of comedy is to correct men by amusing them. Moliere

My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists. Jean Rostand

It really seems to me that in the midst of great tragedy, there is always the horrible possibility that something terribly funny will happen. Philip K. Dick

The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. Oscar Wilde

I’m not insane. My mother had me tested. Sheldon Cooper (Jim Parsons), The Big Bang Theory

The office of drama is to exercise, possibly to exhaust, human emotions. The purpose of comedy is to tickle those emotions into an expression of light relief; of tragedy, to wound them and bring the relief of tears. Disgust and terror are the other points of the compass. Laurence Olivier

Life is hard. After all, it kills you. Katharine Hepburn

Fuck it… That’s really the attitude that keeps a family together, it’s not “we love each other”, it’s just «fuck it, man.» Louis C.K.

Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep. Scott Adams

There are only three ages for women in Hollywood: babe, district attorney and Driving Miss Daisy. Elise (Goldie Hawn), The First Wives Club

I loved George Carlin and Dean Martin. I was one of those kids who had every comedy album. Stephen Colbert

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it. Laurence J. Peter

You know you’re a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself. Chelsea Handler

Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. Michel Tournier

Usher: «Bride or groom?»
Wedding guest: «It should be perfectly obvious I’m neither!» Four Weddings and a Funeral

When I finished my residency in New Orleans, I went to L.A. where I would work as a doctor during the day, and then at night I would actually go to The Improv and do standup, all the while kind of cultivating my comedy resume. Ken Jeong

Otis, «I said.

«Shhh,” he said. “I’m incognito. Call me…Otis.»

«’Im not sure that’s how incognito works, but okay.»

Otis, aka Otis climbed into the chair I’d reserved for Sam. Rick Riordan, The Hammer of Thor

The reward for good work is more work. Francesca Elisia

Stan Fields: «Describe your perfect date.»
Cheryl: «That’s a tough one. I’d have to say April 25. Because it’s not too hot and not too cold. All you need is a light jacket.» Stan Fields (William Shatner) and Cheryl Frasier (Heather Burns), Miss Congeniality

Comedy is just an unspoken language. Everybody understands it. Funny is funny. When it’s not funny, they’ll let you know. Jo Koy

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty. Norm Crosby

Etiquette tip: If you’re looking for the right time to leave a party, when the host yells, “No one leaves here alive,” that’s your cue. Rick Riordan, The Hammer of Thor

Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work. Earl Nightingale

I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy. Jerry Seinfeld

A friend once asked me what comedy was. That floored me. What is comedy? I don’t know. Does anybody? Can you define it? All I know is that I learned how to get laughs, and that’s all I know about it. You have to learn what people will laugh at, then proceed accordingly. Stan Laurel

What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left. Oscar Levant

Some stories have to be written because no one would believe the absurdity of it all. Shannon L. Alder

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. A. Milne

If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised. Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase), National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

Life is a comedy when watching and a tragedy when experiencing. I try and share anything I have. Eric Idle

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife. Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh

Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke. Steve Martin

I like to think of myself less like ‘an adult’ and more like a ‘former fetus. Anna Kendrick

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