"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time." — Steven Wright

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.

Keingintahuan membunuh kucing itu, tetapi untuk sesaat aku menjadi tersangka.

I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.

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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.