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I saw Aerosmith, and I was like, 'Wow, you can dress like a girl and still get girls? Hand me a scarf!'

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I'm not a big fan of comedy roasts because most of the time I find them to be really mean, but once in a while, you'll hear something perfectly worded and well-crafted.

Most authors writing books like 'He's Just Not That Into You' dream of doing what I was being asked to do. I didn't like it. I'm good at giving advice, but doing it on TV and radio felt wrong, and when people resisted my point of view, I was like, 'Why am I doing this? This was not the plan.' So I stopped. It didn't make me feel good.

Social media is a really cool way to tell your story to people who are interested in hearing it. It's not getting put through the filter of a television executive who's decided you're too old to justify the expenditure.

I was always funny, but I wasn't a great musician, and I wanted to be a musician way more than I wanted to be a comic. I just didn't think comedians were cool when I was a kid.

I don't know if you know you're funny, but you enjoy being funny. I know I'm funny because people tell me I am, but when I watch myself, it doesn't make me laugh. Does that make sense? Because I know the jokes, and to me, I feel like I'm pulling the wool over people's eyes. And there are probably people who do not enjoy what I do.

The one cool thing with getting older is that you can actively choose to just be an eccentric.

Most comics worship music on some level. It's more rock-n-roll to get up there for an hour and make people laugh.

The great thing about comedy is that the longer you've been alive, the more you have to talk about and the better you get. I've got some miles and some road savviness that some other guys don't have.

I've learned that anything in life worth having comes from patience and hard work.

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I saw Aerosmith, and I was like, 'Wow, you can dress like a girl and still get girls? Hand me a scarf!'

I saw Aerosmith, and I was like, 'Wow, you can dress like a girl and still get girls? Hand me a scarf!'

I saw Aerosmith, and I was like, 'Wow, you can dress like a girl and still get girls? Hand me a scarf!'

I saw Aerosmith, and I was like, 'Wow, you can dress like a girl and still get girls? Hand me a scarf!'

I saw Aerosmith, and I was like, 'Wow, you can dress like a girl and still get girls? Hand me a scarf!'

I saw Aerosmith, and I was like, 'Wow, you can dress like a girl and still get girls? Hand me a scarf!'

I saw Aerosmith, and I was like, 'Wow, you can dress like a girl and still get girls? Hand me a scarf!'

I saw Aerosmith, and I was like, 'Wow, you can dress like a girl and still get girls? Hand me a scarf!'

I saw Aerosmith, and I was like, 'Wow, you can dress like a girl and still get girls? Hand me a scarf!'

I saw Aerosmith, and I was like, 'Wow, you can dress like a girl and still get girls? Hand me a scarf!'

I saw Aerosmith, and I was like, 'Wow, you can dress like a girl and still get girls? Hand me a scarf!'

I saw Aerosmith, and I was like, 'Wow, you can dress like a girl and still get girls? Hand me a scarf!'

I saw Aerosmith, and I was like, 'Wow, you can dress like a girl and still get girls? Hand me a scarf!'

I saw Aerosmith, and I was like, 'Wow, you can dress like a girl and still get girls? Hand me a scarf!'

I saw Aerosmith, and I was like, 'Wow, you can dress like a girl and still get girls? Hand me a scarf!'