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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

- Tim Vine
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Author:
Tim Vine
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.

People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac.

Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.