"Parenting isn't just parenting your own child." — Lewis Black

If you yell about one woman, you're not a misogynist. If I yell about Michelle Bachman, that doesn't make me a misogynist. If I compare all women to Michelle Bachman, then I'm a misogynist.

What I've found in my career is that 70 to 75 percent of comics are nice and have some sense of social skills, but there are those who end up in comedy because they don't know how to socialize. I don't want to deal with that group.

I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing.

The whole Valentine's thing is fine, but you don't back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable.

In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants.

Political audiences are not fun.

One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I'm still going to be rich.

As psychotic as it gets outside, the comic can be more psychotic.

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Parenting isn't just parenting your own child.