Sarcastic quotes

By | 05.07.2022

I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here. Sarcastic quotes

When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.

If money’s the god people worship, I’d rather go worship the devil instead. Jess C Scott, Rockstar

If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single. Once you’re married you can’t even change the TV Channel.

I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face but with words.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. Billy Sunday

Excuse me, I know this is hell, but may I ask which floor?

Sorry for being late. I got caught up enjoying my last few minutes of not being here.

I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.

– No, Paige. I am trying to help you.
– Go to hell.
– I already exist on a level of hell.
– Exist on one that isn’t near mine. Samantha Shannon, The Bone Season

True bonding is when you and your friends are all angry about the same thing.

I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak. Steven Wright

Don’t take my insults seriously. I’m just being sarcastic.

Follows Diet. Diet doesn’t Follow back. Unfollows diet

Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.

Kidnapped by a vampire, death by a squid. How tragic. Abigail Gibbs, Dinner with a Vampire

At every party, there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other. Ann Landers

Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence. Ashleigh Brilliant

Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children. Sam Levenson

People Kept Saying ‘go Corona Go’ and It Went to Other Countries to Spread Across the Globe.

There’s someone for everyone, and the person for you is a psychiatrist.

I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?

…but, dear me, let us be elegant or die. Louisa May Alcott, Little Women

You never realize how truly sarcastic you are until you have a mini-me who acts the same way.

I don’t believe in plastic surgery but in your case, go ahead.

The only mystery in life is why the Kamikaze pilots wore helmets

Sorry Honey, Sarcasm falls out of my mouth, just like stupid falls from yours.

Find your patience before I lose mine.

One might be led to suspect that there were all sorts of things going on in the Universe which he or she did not thoroughly understand. Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse-Five

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. A. A. Milne

Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save. Will Rogers

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths

I clapped because it’s finished, not because i liked it.

It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.

It’s weird, marriage. It’s like this license that gives a person the legal right to control their spouse / their ‘other half. Jess C. Scott, Blind Leading Another

There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it? Kin Hubbard

Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair.

There’s No Better Vacation Than My Boss Being on Vacation

Sarcasm: Because murder charges are expensive.

Do you think God gets stoned? I think so… look at the platypus. Robin Williams

Too young, too young, she chanted to herself.
Wrong,of course.
I was older than her grandfather but according to my driver’s license,she was right. Stephenie Meyer, Midnight Sun

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying. Oscar Wilde

I’ll always cherish the original misconception I had of you.

There are only two things a child will share willingly—communicable diseases and his mother’s age. Benjamin Spock

I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own

Nobody should have to die to a crappy soundtrack. James R. Tuck, Blood and Bullets

Honesty may be the best policy, but insanity is the best defense.

Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished

People who reply to my sarcasm with sarcasm are my favorite.

If you find me offensive. Then I suggest you quit finding me.

I appreciate thieves who do their research, but at least you recognize worth when you see it. M.L. LeGette, The Orphan and the Thief

An apple a day keeps anything away if you throw it hard enough.

They say each day is a gift! Well, I want to know where customer service is so I can return this one!

Mother Nature is wonderful. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers. Eugene Bertin

If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you







Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.

Are you fighting evil tonight?…Then you are doing the Lord’s work. Shut the fuck up. James R. Tuck, Blood and Bullets

When something goes wrong in your life, just yell “Plot Twist” and move on.

My family is temperamental, half temper half mental.

If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?

I’m not saying I hate you. But, I would unplug you’re life support to charge my phone.

Christians rejected the need for proof to support belief in God, yet dismissed proof altogether when it was there. Kira Peikoff, Living Proof

Come here you big, beautiful cup of coffee and lie to me about how much we’re going to get done today.

I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.

The time you realize your kids are in bed and have been watching The Disney channel for the past hour by yourself.

Marriage is like mushrooms: We notice too late if they are good or bad

Here’s a tissue, you have a little bullshit on your lip.

Life’s good, you should get one.

– Will you accept me? Fury
– No. I’m here naked with you because all my clothes fell off by accident and I can’t find them. Angelia
– You’re a sarcastic little critter, aren’t you? Fury
– I learned it from you. Angelia. Sherrilyn Kenyon, Dark Bites

I hate it when I think I’m buying organic vegetables but when I get home, I discover they’re just regular donuts.

No, you don’t have to repeat yourself. I was ignoring you the first time.

Well that escalated quickly – our family motto.

I Didn’t Fail the Test. I Just Found 100 Ways to Do It Wrong

– Are you free tomorrow?
 – No, I’m expensive.

Cancel my subscription because I don’t need your issues.

I was debating on jumping and ending my despair over losing my best friend, but I decided to call you instead. Holly Hood, Ink

If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.

If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more. Walter Matthau

A mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work if it is not open

Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?

Don’t waste yer’ breath kid. Explainin’ anything to that one? It’s like tryin’ ta’ slap the dumb off a retard… -George Foster. Shawn Durnin

I am not young enough to know everything. Oscar Wilde

If it looks like I give a damn, please tell me. I don’t want to give off the wrong impression.

Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist. Michael Levine

The road to success is always under construction.

Two reasons I don’t trust people.
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.

If had a dollar for every smart thing you say. I’ll be poor.

The worst thing about the dead rising? (Other than, you know, all the zombies?) The smell. Nothing kills the mood like the odor of three day old road kill and poo… -Katherine Anita Cho(KyCH). Shawn Durnin

What we feel and think and are is to a great extent determined by the state of our ductless glands and viscera. Aldous Huxley

My level of sarcasm has gotten to a point where I don’t even know if I am kidding anymore.

Please submit your ideas to me today so I can submit them as my own tomorrow.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back

I may not be perfect but at least I’m not you.

I’m sorry while you were talking I was trying to figure where the hell you got the idea I cared.

Aren’t you supposed to say that everything is going to be okay? C.V. Hunt, Legacy

When one door closes, another opens. Or you can open the closed door. That’s how doors work.

Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. Phyllis Diller

If you are the smartest person in the room, then you are in the wrong room

My vocabulary:

50% Swearing.

50% sarcasm.

Ok look man, you clearly are not hard up for money, you’re driving a range rover, so call whoever has your jaguar or benz and ask them to help you out. I got things to do. Holly Hood, Prison of Paradise

Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

Sarcasm helps me overcome the harshness of the reality we live, eases the pain of scars, and makes people smile. Mahmoud Darwish

In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television. Erma Bombeck

Build your own dreams, or someone else will hire you to build theirs

You reminded me of a penny. Two-faced, and not worth much.

My nature is too frank towards everyone – the defect that God gave me by mistake while manufacturing me and then forgot to fix it too. Spriha Kant

Nobody really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy. Cynthia Nelms

Sarcasm—the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.

Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it. Rodney Dangerfield

Don’t show me your attitude, My block list is bigger than your friend list.

Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything.

I am tired of the whole concept of humans right now. Martha Wells, Network Effect

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true. Robert Oppenheimer

Sarcasm—because arguing with stupid people just wouldn’t be as much fun.

Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. William James

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city

They call it a “selfie” because “narcissistic” is too hard to spell.

You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the South? Nothing! Someone’s losing a trailer, number one. Robin Williams

I hate it when people are at your house and they ask “Do you have a bathroom?” No, we pee in the backyard. Skylar Blue

The bigger your family, the bigger your problems.

Don’t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.

Yes, I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in.

I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today.

My dear Miss Bridgerton,” he said, wiping his eyes, “if you are the soul of kindness and amiability, then the world must be a very dangerous place. Julia Quinn, The Duke and I

It’s amazing how you can have to worst day ever, but still laugh at yourself when you push a door that says pull.

Sarcasm—helping the intelligent politely tolerate the obtuse for thousands of years.

If you want to call a family meeting – turn off the WiFi and sit in the room where it is located.

Knowing your family so well that you can make out who’s coming by the sound of their footsteps.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

I’m not insulting you. I’m describing you.

I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.

Life is too short for one to stay indoors, watch TV, doze off, and snore. Michael Bassey Johnson, Song of a Nature Lover

Need money for college. Need college for a job. Need a job for money. Who was the mastermind behind this system?

Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit but the highest form of intelligence. Oscar Wilde

Sometimes I have my headphones in at work with nothing playing so I don’t have to interact with chatty co-workers.

Me pretending to listen should be enough for you

Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the M is silent.

Throughout a joke, the truth comes out. Zybejta “Beta” Metani’ Marashi

My attitude in exams. They give me questions I don’t know. I give them answers they don’t know.

Repeating quotes from funny movies doesn’t make you funny.

Oh… I didn’t tell you… Then it must be none of your business.

If you have an opinion about my life, please raise your hand. Now put it over your mouth.

It’s so hard to tell with him. He always looks like he’s working the customer service desk at the DMV.” “I always thought he looked like a postal worker who’s about one write-up away from losing it completely. Shelly Laurenston, The Unyielding

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes! Billy Connolly

When life gives you lemons, squeeze them in people’s eyes.

Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke. Will Rogers

Tact is for people who aren’t witty enough to use sarcasm

I hate multiple personalities and none of them like you.

People say that laughter is the best medicine… your face must be curing the world.

Let’s be honest. Half of all wedding celebrations are a lot like cheering for the frickin’ Titanic on the day of departure. Vindy Teja

I’m sorry. I was listening until, out of nowhere, I became distracted by this loud, obnoxious noise that turned out to be your voice.

If karma doesn’t hit you, I gladly will.

You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out. Jerry Seinfeld

You’re not that lucky and I’m not that desperate!

Is your as$ jealous of all that sh!t coming out of your mouth?

I’m 99% percent angel, but ohhhh, that 1%.

Don’t you hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious?

Life is like a roller coaster, and I’m about to throw up.

There are times here my greatest achievement is keeping my mouth shut.

I’m smiling…that alone should scare you.

My heart has no room for you, but the trunk of my car definitely does.

Sarcasm–the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.

It’s called an artichoke. Lexi told him. It’s good for you.

– Good for you how? I mean the choke part I get. S.G.D. Singh, Emergence

I always say “Morning” Instead of “Good Morning” Because if it was a good morning, I would still be in bed and not talking to people.

If life gives you lemons, then be thankful for it. I have been getting only the peels for as long as I can remember!

Having a two-year-old is like having a blender that you don’t have the top for. Jerry Seinfeld

You sound better with your mouth closed.

Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

I could try to write really American ones. Already, I’ve jotted down a few of them. Objects create happiness. The animals are pleased to be of use. Your cities will shine forever. Death will not touch you. Jenny Offill, Dept. of Speculation

You know what I like about people? Their dogs.

You go girl! And don’t come back

If someone calls you ‘UGLY’ have a good comeback and say ‘EXCUSE ME’, I am not a mirror.

My imaginary friend says that you need a therapist.

Let me guess, Mat. I’m a traveling merchant who once trained with the Aiel and who has come to the village because he’s heard there’s a trout that lives in the lake who insulted his father. Brandon Sanderson, The Gathering Storm

I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.

If ignorance is bliss. You must be the happiest person on this planet.

I thought I had seen the pinnacle of stupid… Then I met you.

My level of sarcasm depends of your level of stupidity.

Well at least your mom thinks you’re pretty.

From Lordship to Eminence is but a step, and between Eminence and Holiness there is only the wisp of smoke from a burnt voting-slip. Victor Hugo, Les Misérables

Instead of, ‘Have a nice day,’ I think I’ll start saying, ‘Have the day you deserve.’ You know, let karma sort things out

Caller ID was invented for family screening.

If I Promise to Miss You, Will You Go Away?

You’re not a model. You’re a b!tch with a Smartphone and 37 editing apps. Sit the fu*k down.

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