Comedian

Jay Leno told me once, 'Don't do jokes about things you don't know about.'

I'm a blue collar guy.

As my wife says, I'll never fully retire, but it'll start to slow down. I'll continue to do the local gigs or go to Las Vegas. But I won't be going out to Ohio to play an Indian casino anymore. Those will probably go by the wayside.

A lot of times you go to a concert, and when you leave, you don't know anything more about the act then when you got there.

People all over are finding themselves in jobs they never thought they'd be in.

I eat fish, chicken, vegetables and other healthier foods. I do love a great steak.

I love to laugh, and laughter is one of my favorite things. When you have a really good laugh, you feel great afterwards.

People are trying to figure out how to pay bills and make ends meet. They don't want to turn on the TV and say, 'What is this crap?'

The one thing people like about my show is it's universal. Everybody can relate to it. I think people enjoy going to a show and saying, 'Something like that happened to me.'

You know as well as I do that the family sitcom was the stalwart of TV for God knows how many decades.

In syndication, the biggest buyers are car dealerships.

I was doing a bit that stupid people should be slapped. But the more I did it, the more I didn't like that connotation, the violence and all that. The more I thought about it, I thought they should just wear signs. And, man, it just took off.

I've never said I was the best dancer, and I never said I was a good dancer.

My belief is that if we take away that right to bear arms, the only people that are going to have them are... the ones breaking into your house.

I love stand up, but every year, the road takes a little more out of you.

I came out of the mall one day, and a guy was standing there with a coat hanger in his window, and I couldn't stop myself. I asked the stupid question. 'You lock your keys in the car?' 'Nope, just washed it, gonna hang it up to dry.'

Left to my own vices, all I would own is a Corvette, and it would be broken down.

I'd like to see the Amazon rainforests before they're all gone, and also the Galapagos - that's another one I'd like to do. I'd love to go diving in those areas. Basically, places, like, that are kind of going away, and I'd like to see them before they all become condos and high-rises.

I don't pick on people.

When I drove up on the set one day, and they'd put up a sign that says 'The Bill Engvall Show,' I stood there for 20 minutes just staring at it. The director, James Widdoes, came up and said, 'What are you doing?' And I said, 'Look at this! There's my name on a stage door in Hollywood!'