Comedian

The moment I walk into a room, I have kind of like the Terminator's tracking system for where the food is, and I can get there immediately.

Prose is all about embellishing and describing.

I have a following, but it's small. I have this level of fame where people spot me in the airport, consistently, but they always think they're the only one who ever has. People will think they win a prize when they recognize me.

With a monologue, you can be unendingly elliptical.

In real life, I first started sleep walking in high school because that was when this concept of getting into college first appeared. I had this moment of, 'Oh! This is going to affect the rest of my life.'

You know the quickest way to get comedians to hate you? Do Letterman at age 24.

I love pizza. I want to marry it, but it would just be to eat her family at the wedding.

I would say that I love pizza so much that sometimes I eat pizza while I'm eating pizza. Like, I'm so content with myself with how it's going that I'm like, 'I should do this more,' not realizing that the mouth is full. I'm just cramming pizza into my mouth.

Sometimes you'll have a heckler who's actually attempting to be supportive, but you don't realize it. Their way of expressing it is kind of confusing.

Someone said to me at a party once, 'Oh, yeah, you're a comedian? Then how come you're not funny now?' And I just wanted to say, 'Well, I'm just going to take this conversation we're having and then repeat that to strangers, and then that's the joke. You're the joke later.'

As artists, we'd all love to not be commercial - to not sell out to the full extent that we are able. But you do what you have to do to pay New York rent and continue to do what you feel strongly about.

One of my favourite movies is 'Annie Hall' because it's about the silver lining of the break-up.

I almost can't even put to words how happy I am that I got married.

I love Jimmy Fallon and Jimmy Kimmel.

Directing your first film is like showing up to the field trip in seventh grade, getting on the bus, and making an announcement, 'So today I'm driving the bus.' And everybody's like, 'What?' And you're like, 'I'm gonna drive the bus.' And they're like, 'But you don't know how to drive the bus.'

When I met my wife, I was a working comic, so the first week we went out, she saw me perform, and it was very clear what I do.

In some sense, Comedy Central has made their audience into comedy connoisseurs.

I've yet to write a stand-up show that isn't autobiographical.

It's interesting how sleepwalking in a certain way becomes an accumulation of your outside stimuli that's actually there and what's happening in your brain.

My first car was, as depicted in 'Sleepwalk with Me,' my mother's '92 Volvo station wagon that had 80,000 miles on it, and I had put 40,000 miles on it, so by the time it retired it had 120,000, and I basically killed it. It served me well, and my mechanic was always very angry with me because I just didn't properly care for it.