Comedian

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?