Comedian

College atheletes used to get a degree in bringing your pencil.

Nannies love working in our house because they never know who's gonna walk through the door.

I'm a misplaced American, but don't know where I was misplaced.

I don't combine proteins and carbohydrates.

I am lucky to have good Polish skin that doesn't wrinkle so I might be around for a few years yet.

I have to keep reminding myself that I am their mother. Sometimes we are sitting at home and I feel like we are waiting for our mom to come home.

I never weigh myself, but the brutal truth of television is that they don't employ old people or fat people.

Being a mother is hard and it wasn't a subject I ever studied.

Mum used to hide love letters from my boyfriends and put me down. Now I understand that she was a Polish immigrant forced to settle in Chicago. She was jealous of the freedom life gave me.

I can't do anything too serious like Saddam Hussein, but I would like to do Bill Clinton. That'd be fun.

I'm lucky not to have a nine-to-five job.

I knew nothing about football, then someone showed me a film of Petit and I realised how interesting the game could be. He is divine. When I met him I could barely speak, he was so gorgeous. Women will love that show.

Like any working mother I find it hard to have a social life. But my kids are so well adjusted. There isn't a brat bone in their body so I haven't done anything that bad.

You have to be great friends and make each other laugh. We laugh a lot and neither is jealous of the other.

Some interviewees you make friends with and some you don't.

I've told so many lies about my age I don't know how old I am myself.