Comedian

I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

I never met a kid I liked.

Tunjukkan pada saya aktor hebat dan saya akan menunjukkan kepada Anda seorang suami yang buruk. Tunjukkan pada saya aktris yang hebat, dan Anda telah melihat iblis.

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

I drink therefore I am.

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.

Ingat, ikan mati bisa mengapung di hilir, tapi butuh ikan hidup untuk berenang ke hulu.