Comedian

I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm.

I went to a record store and asked for 50 cent. They kicked me out for pan-handling.

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.

I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.

I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.

I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road.

I went to a urologist - he told me I could go at any time.

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.

I was born nine months premature.

A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.

You know what burns me? Matches.

After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, cause we have nicknames. So I named my private part pride... it's not much but at least I have my pride.

I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.

I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.

I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?

I wanted to join the Army the sign said 'Be All That You Can Be', they told me it wasn't enough.

I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.

I saw a stationery store move.

I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm.