Comedian

At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you?

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.

At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you?

Did you know that today will never be tomorrow.

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.

Do you know it was a year a ago today?

I went out with a promiscuous impressionist - she did everybody.

I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.

After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, cause we have nicknames. So I named my private part pride... it's not much but at least I have my pride.

My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless.

I went to a record store and asked for 50 cent. They kicked me out for pan-handling.

You know what burns me? Matches.

A guy gave me a job at an information booth - no questions asked.

My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.

I wanted to join the Army the sign said 'Be All That You Can Be', they told me it wasn't enough.

Did you know that today will never be tomorrow.

I saw a sign it said left lane closed so I went someplace else.

I saw a sign it said left lane closed so I went someplace else.

I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.

My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.