Comedian

Europe has such an expansive history.

There's a lot of things I believe in this world. I believe in God, I believe in the United States of America, and I support and believe in the Second Amendment.

I'm a big animal fanatic.

I am feeling older every day.

I don't do politics, I don't do religion, I don't do ethnic jokes.

I'm from Texas. You would think my biggest draw would be in that state. But my biggest draw is Pennsylvania.

I hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that just say, 'I'm stupid.'

I've really got no complaints.

I haven't been really nervous about a gig in a long time.

To be honest with you, I still eat whatever I want. It's all about portion control. I still love pizza, but instead of eating half, I eat a slice.

I dream of acting with Kevin Costner. I would love to do a movie with him. Not something funny, but a dramatic role.

I think you can ban guns if you can just pull the trigger and 60 bullets fire out.

There's a reason God didn't give me this success in my 20s, because I'd have blown it.

I love playing the bitter guy.

I don't believe there's any reason for a person like myself to own an AK-47.

When 'Blue Collar TV' was on the 'WB,' we were their second-highest rated show, but they didn't know what to do with us. They had 'Reba,' which was number one, and we were number two, and they didn't want to be known as the hayseed network, so they kind of dropped us, even though we were pulling great numbers.

If you watch the 'Blue Collar Tour,' I was probably the least redneck of everybody.

I don't have big time celebrity friends - I'm just a guy.

I come from a time when people like Bob Newhart and Bill Cosby told stories that were devastatingly funny without being off-color.

Standup is a form of therapy. It is OK to tell problems to your audience as long as you are being honest and not boring them. I tell them that I am saving $75 an hour when I talk to them instead of a therapist.