Writer

Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the moon.

Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.

Let's not burn the universities yet. After all, the damage they do might be worse.

Legend: A lie that has attained the dignity of age.

I believe that all government is evil, and that trying to improve it is largely a waste of time.

A Sunday school is a prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents.

Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the moon.

Injustice is relatively easy to bear; what stings is justice.

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

Wealth - any income that is at least one hundred dollars more a year than the income of one's wife's sister's husband.

Platitude: an idea (a) that is admitted to be true by everyone, and (b) that is not true.

As the arteries grow hard, the heart grows soft.

No one in this world, so far as I know - and I have searched the records for years, and employed agents to help me - has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people.

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.

One of the most mawkish of human delusions is the notion that friendship should be eternal, or, at all events, life-long, and that any act which puts a term to it is somehow discreditable.

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too.

I write in order to attain that feeling of tension relieved and function achieved which a cow enjoys on giving milk.

Democracy is only a dream: it should be put in the same category as Arcadia, Santa Claus, and Heaven.

Every election is a sort of advance auction sale of stolen goods.