Writer

Every election is a sort of advance auction sale of stolen goods.

I never lecture, not because I am shy or a bad speaker, but simply because I detest the sort of people who go to lectures and don't want to meet them.

When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands.

Archbishop - A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to that attained by Christ.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

Injustice is relatively easy to bear; what stings is justice.

For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong.

There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor.

Women have simple tastes. They get pleasure out of the conversation of children in arms and men in love.

I never smoked a cigarette until I was nine.

It is not materialism that is the chief curse of the world, as pastors teach, but idealism. Men get into trouble by taking their visions and hallucinations too seriously.

Man is always looking for someone to boast to; woman is always looking for a shoulder to put her head on.

Puritanism. The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.

The theory seems to be that as long as a man is a failure he is one of God's children, but that as soon as he succeeds he is taken over by the Devil.

When a new source of taxation is found it never means, in practice, that the old source is abandoned. It merely means that the politicians have two ways of milking the taxpayer where they had one before.

When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands.

A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.

It is impossible to imagine Goethe or Beethoven being good at billiards or golf.

A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after that he begins to bunch them.