Writer

No matter how long he lives, no man ever becomes as wise as the average woman of forty-eight.

The chief contribution of Protestantism to human thought is its massive proof that God is a bore.

A newspaper is a device for making the ignorant more ignorant and the crazy crazier.

To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia - to mistake an ordinary young woman for a goddess.

One of the most mawkish of human delusions is the notion that friendship should be eternal, or, at all events, life-long, and that any act which puts a term to it is somehow discreditable.

Morality is the theory that every human act must be either right or wrong, and that 99 % of them are wrong.

It is impossible to imagine the universe run by a wise, just and omnipotent God, but it is quite easy to imagine it run by a board of gods.

All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it.

To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia - to mistake an ordinary young woman for a goddess.

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.

Judge: a law student who marks his own examination-papers.

The worst government is often the most moral. One composed of cynics is often very tolerant and humane. But when fanatics are on top there is no limit to oppression.

The opera is to music what a bawdy house is to a cathedral.

To die for an idea; it is unquestionably noble. But how much nobler it would be if men died for ideas that were true!

Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.

It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics or chemistry.

Have you ever watched a crab on the shore crawling backward in search of the Atlantic Ocean, and missing? That's the way the mind of man operates.

A politician is an animal which can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to the ground.

Most people want security in this world, not liberty.

A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.