Comedian

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?