Writer

No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single.

The urge to save humanity is almost always a false front for the urge to rule.

The difference between a moral man and a man of honor is that the latter regrets a discreditable act, even when it has worked and he has not been caught.

Time stays, we go.

Communism, like any other revealed religion, is largely made up of prophecies.

I never lecture, not because I am shy or a bad speaker, but simply because I detest the sort of people who go to lectures and don't want to meet them.

Puritanism. The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

I write in order to attain that feeling of tension relieved and function achieved which a cow enjoys on giving milk.

A national political campaign is better than the best circus ever heard of, with a mass baptism and a couple of hangings thrown in.

The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.

War will never cease until babies begin to come into the world with larger cerebrums and smaller adrenal glands.

Nevertheless, it is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.

Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.

There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor.

Self-respect: the secure feeling that no one, as yet, is suspicious.

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

Every man is his own hell.

Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.

The basic fact about human existence is not that it is a tragedy, but that it is a bore. It is not so much a war as an endless standing in line.